one year

So, as of yesterday, it has been a year since we have had our kids. Yesterday we celebrated what is called "Gotcha" Day, and it is very difficult to believe that it has already been a year. I can't really tell if it seems like it has been longer or shorter with the kids, but I can honestly say that I can't really think of being without them now. While it was once difficult to imagine having three kids, it is now impossible to imagine not having these three wonderful kids.

So we went out for steak last night, which everyone thoroughly enjoyed. Janine had picked up little gifts for the kids and we had some celebratory cupcakes after our meal. It was quite fun to just go out and to be together on such a special day.

Here are the kids dancing to Hammer's "U Can't Touch This."

So I have been quite sick for several days now. Whatever Janine had has hit me, too, and I have been feeling it. I have actually been able to be inside for the last couple of days of work, so that has been nice, but it still has not really helped me to heal. I most likely should have just stayed home for a couple more days this week, but I don't really like missing work for being sick. Anyhow, I got to move furniture around our office today and then spend some time bidding a small project at my old place of work (IMFT). I stayed home from kids club tonight, as I don't even really feel like talking. Fortunately the boys are playing nicely and have respected my wishes for quiter (although not toned down) playing. They are good kids.

Anyhow, I thought I would make mention of our one year anniversary with the kids. It has been incredible and we look forward to the upcoming year and getting to know and love them more and more.

Juan took a spill the other night. Notice the damage by his nose and the black eye.

He is okay. He's pretty tough.

lean up from my easy chair, rub my three day beard

Well, it finally caught me. Janine has been sick for several days now, fighting what seems to be the longest running cold that she has had in some time. I, up until last night, had been fine. It was good in that I was able to help her out with things around the house and with the kids, even staying home one day last week while she spent most of the day just resting, allowing her body to fight off whatever it is that has decided to reside inside us. Anyhow, she has periodically been feeling better, getting better rest, a little more energy, and, bit by bit, healing. So last night, after a great chicken taco dinner over at B, T, 3xJ's house, I began to feel run down, and my throat began to have the slightest dull irritation.

So we finished visiting and came home to put the kids to bed. That was a challenge in itself, as I must have done battle with Juan for 10 minutes in the bathroom over brushing his teeth. He had not been feeling well earlier in the day and it seemed like this was residual effect from him being worn out himself. Anyhow, all turned out okay, and after our little struggle, he ended up laying on my chest and letting me rub his back for five minutes (good Juancho time for me:)). So after the kids were in bed, settling down for sleep, I began to feel the aches in my joints and the irritation in my throat becoming more and more prominent. Janine suggested I pop a couple of Motrin for the aches (who would know better than the one who has been battling the bug for days). Sleep came easy, and when I woke this morning I even thought I could muster the energy to go to work. I started my coffee at about 5:50 and by 6:00 I felt crappy enough to call in. So I am home. I am glad I didn't push through and go to work, as my body feels like a steamroller ran over me. Anyhow, it is nice to rest, and now Janine and the boys have gone to MOPS and Shirley is at school. I will settle down with hot tea and a book and try to not move for the next two hours. . .

* a note on Juan and me and our struggle with the teeth last night: Janine spends so much more time with the boys that it is often times their tendency to want to let her help them with all the things they need help with. Andres is a little more flexible, but I am beginning to realize that both boys need advance notice if it is not going to be Janine helping them with teeth, potty, food, etc. As we approach our one year anniversary with the kids, I sometimes still feel very lost with them, although I continue to learn. There really is no system to follow, no laid out plans of how to do it all, but it has pushed me to grow and face my own selfishness quite a bit. I love all the kids so much and have so much fun with them; it is amazing how they can have you at wits end one minute (last night with bushing the teeth) and then have you as putty in their hand the next (immediately following as Juancho laid on my chest for the longest extended hug I have ever had with him).

* another note: Andres told me he was sorry today as I was loading him in the van to go to MOPS.

"Andres, why are you sorry?"

"Sorry por que you are sick."

The kids are all very compassionate, and it is refreshing to me as Papi and a reminder of Christ's compassion for all of us.

Tea...book...recliner...

the avalanche

It wasn’t too long ago, during a Sunday School class, that I was asked to meditate, to reflect upon times in which I had felt closest to God, a time or times in which the presence of God was undeniable, that God’s influence was unmistakable, obvious, and over-powering. We spent several minutes in quiet meditation in an overly warm room, trying to ignore the slight noises made by our annoyed bellies or the random sounds coming from the parking lots and concrete roadways that surrounded our building. I assumed that the others in the room were drifting off to a place that they remembered vividly, that struck them in such a way that they could instantaneously revert back to a time and a place, a day and an age, a feeling, a solid moment, a warm memory that was not bound by time, but that lived quite fervently within their heart and soul.

I imagined that, and had the time to do so, because I would not imagine anything for myself. My mind, though not empty, was not being filled with such moments or memories. I tried with great might to remember such a time and to meditate on it, but the reality was, as a computer searching for information that is not there, my mind churned, lights blinked, and I came up empty handed, or more truly, empty minded.

So I thought about other things: I should have eaten more this morning
I should have made more coffee
I don’t remember anything about the book
Does my breath stink?
Oregon sounds nice right now
Don’t fall asleep…don’t fall asleep

And so on and so forth.

So after several minutes of failing to achieve the goal that was set before me, I began to think of how my mind could not settle down and how I needed more time to meditate. I clearly needed at least 30 minutes to relax, after good coffee and with a bathroom break, to clear my mind of family, work, books, sports, and a variety of other things that clouded my meditation period. I anticipated being done soon and felt somewhat embarrassed by the fact that I had thought of exactly nothing in regard to the subject.

And then it hit me.

The fleeting, dream-like sequence, visions that I had, without a definitive memory or reflection upon which to rest was for reasons beyond my inability to concentrate completely at any given time. The fast-forward, reverse, stop-motion pictures that I saw as I searched were the manifestations of my final vision: God is like an avalanche.

So in the moment in which the facilitator of our class called us out of our meditative state, I finally and clearly saw that the blur of memories and moments that failed to settle were the direct result of being caught up in God as the avalanche.

God is like an avalanche in such a way that there is absolutely unmistakable power within the avalanche. I remember many times in which there were short instances of clarity, of revelations that were much larger than books and sermons and even the Bible in itself. I remember moments of intense blindness, too, carried under powerful waves of snow, blankets that smothered and crushed, as I would try to fight against such power, with little success. I know I tried to gain my footing time and time again, grasping for control in the midst of something that engulfed my total being, that carried me far from where I was when our paths “coincided” to a place that was barely recognizable to myself.

The avalanche comes, all power, and we are caught up, with no control of destiny, with no control of ourselves, as we desperately grasp for those things that we hold dear, only to find that we are not in control of those, either. We try to dictate where we are going, but we only realize that we rarely know where we are even in a present tense to decide where it is that we will go. We see glimpses of our trail, as we are toppled and tossed over and over, periodically catching sight of our path as the avalanche brings us to the surface to see the mountains and trees as they disappear as rapidly as they appeared in the first place. But just as soon as we catch ourselves in a position to state with confidence where we are, who we are, and our present purpose, we find ourselves in the midst of being forced under again, gasping for air, wondering how we have traveled from memory to memory, from clarity to blur to clarity, from revelation to revelation. What we realize is that we have not seen the path, we have not seen our repeated dying to ourselves, being forced under, crushed by the power of the ultimate. We have not seen the turns and the change of topography, the distance traveled that has brought us to a place that we briefly encounter, only to be carried off again. And each time we crest, we are far removed from the last place, over and over again. And each time we are carried under, smothered, crushed, bruised, we are changed, formed into an image that is our new self, far removed from our old self, a new birth, a baptism, in the purity of God as an avalanche.

God as avalanche, carries us in such a way that we are never the same, that it is impossible to be left unchanged, impossible to not be taken up in the might of the avalanche, reformed through the molding of the avalanche. We have no idea where it will take us, how it will form us, and we are powerless against it. When we are hit by the avalanche that is God, there is no mistake. And we have no idea what is happening as we are carried, as we are baptized; we only catch glimpses of our journey in moments, in visions of clarity, in revelation.

And I say, “But God, I wanted to be over on that peak.”

“No, my child, you are in this valley.”

“Tomorrow can we go to that peak?”

“You will go where I take you.”

And just like that the avalanche begins again, with a roar of powder and powerful thrusts of snow and ice, and we ride, knowing, understanding that what we are caught up in is not safe, not very comfortable, not catering to our desires, but that it will take us where it wants us.

The avalanche is absolutely beautiful. And it is absolutely dangerous. I only hope that I find myself in the midst of it, letting go of all thought of control, and resting in its immensity.

useless and pointless knowledge

I saw this on Janine's blog and thought it would be an interesting, albeit filled with lack of personal creativity, addition here. So with some reservation in mind....

1. What is your occupation? I am listed as a field technician for a consulting company. I would say that I work as a surveyor, but I am not a surveyor.

2. What color are your socks right now? I am not wearing socks, but if I did, they would probably be Smart Wool grey woolies.

3. What are you listening to right now? Uncle Tupelo

4. What was the last thing you ate? Flax cereal

5. Can you drive a stick shift? I invented the stick shift.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Brown

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? a benefits advocate for some insurance nonsense that irritates me to no end.

8. How old are you today? 32

9. Favorite drink? Full Sail Pale Ale

10. What is your favorite sport to watch? Hockey (go, Flyers!)

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Not since 1996.

12. Favorite reality TV show? I don't watch any.

13. What was the last movie you watched? Zodiac

14. Favorite day of the year? arbitrarily, September 23

15. What do you do to vent anger? Yell and curse

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? a stick and a rock

17. What is your favorite, fall or spring? Fall

18. Hugs or kisses? Hugs

19. Cherries or blueberries? Berries are clinically proven to cause more damage than good. Just kidding...I don't like berries.

20. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yeah, that would be great.

21. Favorite dessert? I am not really into dessert, but if pressed I would say cake. Maybe German Chocolate and maybe with Coconut Pecan frosting.

22. Who is least likely to respond? Nobody will respond.

23. Living arrangement? Condo. Fortunately with a few friends in the development.

24. When was the last time you cried? I don't know.

25. What is on the floor of your closet? Tubs. My wife organizes in her sleep.

26. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? I am not sending this to anyone.

27. What did you do last night? Home Owners Association meeting. REALLY exciting.

28. Favorite smells? good coffee, decaying earth, good beer

29. What inspires you? reality

30. What are you afraid of? getting stomped by an obese cat

31. Plain, cheese, or spicy burgers? Cheese

32. Favorite breed of dog? Blue Heeler

33. How many years at your current job? 2.75 years

34. Favorite day of the week? Thursday

35. How many states have you lived in? Five: AK, OR, PA, UT, MA

36. Celebrity crush? Penelope Cruz

37. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? I drove a bobcat...it was really quite fun.

38. Who is your favorite NFL team? Denver Broncos

39. Do you have a house phone that is not cordless? No

40. 10 inches of snow or 100 degree weather? Snow. I hate the heat. Did I mention I hate the heat?

I will write again later.

me watch bidedo

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....(breath)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(breath)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(breath)

Okay. What's so funny? Friday marked my last day as a full time employee at IMFT, which was not really cool with me. Yes, I was disappointed. Yes, I was frustrated. Yes, I was even somewhat hostile in feeling toward the situation and those who made the decision. But I was inevitably going to be okay. I was going to get over it. I certainly was still happy I had work, so I was just going to go along with the decision.

Today marked my first day back in outdoor surveying. So after a late night of movie watching with Janine, I woke up 45 minutes later than usual (a nice perk of the job location change) and did my usual tooling around in the A.M. for coffee and rummaging around for clothing, albeit winter clothing this time. I ended up getting out a little later than I wanted but still made it to work on time. Well, in all honesty, it was a good day. It was clear and crisp thanks to a weekend bout of windy weather, and I got to work with my old crew chief. We had a good day catching up, discussing family, politics, religion, books, and survey. We had a pretty laid back job, so there was no pressure for me in needing to remember my outdoor survey skills immediately, although I sense the transition will not be as difficult as I originally anticipated. Anyhow, we finished our job early and without any issues. We went back to the office, unpacked our gear, filled out our daily paperwork, and we were done. With the remaining time (I had to wait to discuss things with my boss) I decided to check my email. Immediately I see an email from my tool superintendent from IMFT requesting me to be back ASAP because of datums that were either missing or tampered with. One day after they didn't want me anymore. They wanted me back.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(breath)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....(breath)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...(breath)

okay...I feel better.

So it has been quite some time since Janine and I stayed up and watched a movie together, but last night we gave it a try. We had agreed earlier in the week that we both wanted to see Blood Diamond, so we checked it out (yes, Josiah, we check out items from the library) from the library. We ended up staying up past midnight watching this movie that was okay, but certainly not great. Either way, it was fun to just relax (we only had one or two kid interruptions) and lay around without anything really going on. We might even watch another movie tonight.

Funny thing: At around 5 this morning, Andres comes waltzing into our room. I hear him shuffling (he really shuffles more than he runs or walks) around the bed to Janine's side and hear him saying, "Mami...Mami...me watch a bidedo (Andres and Juancho talk for 'video')?"

"What are you talking about Andres? It's 5 O'clock in the morning. No, you cannot watch a video. You need to go back to sleep."

"Okay, Mami," said Andres as he shuffled back to his room to go back to sleep.

So I wonder how much we as Christians want to be changed. Sometimes I sense that we are much more like those presidential candidates who say that they believe in this or that, or that they will promote change this way or that way, but when all is said and done, nothing more was done than to keep things status quo. I am pretty sure that at one time or another, many people have thought of me as simply liking to discuss change or trying to implement change for the simple notion of being different, of being edgy or whatever. But this is not the case, and this is certainly not what I am talking about. I truly wonder if people want to be transformed, to be made into something that they profess to desiring, that they really enjoy reading about (or at least they like others to think they do), or that they claim they have the inside track to becoming. I really don't think that they do want to be changed. I don' t think that we want to be changed much at all. We like how it is, the ease, the overall feeling of being accountable to no one, to nothing. It soothes us to know that we are in control, that we make the decision to go this way or that, that anything that we are compelled to do is either part of the natural order (eat, etc.) or a cognitive, perhaps even logical, decision (go to the Training Table instead of Arctic Circle to eat). It fills us with confidence to know that our next step will be this way or that way, but that, in the end, we are the ultimate deciders of our own fate. So we don't want to be transformed. Sure, we love to talk about it, to discuss our life-long transformation, to speak as if Christ's death and resurrection are somehow out there suspended in time and inapplicable to us in the here and now. We like the fancy rhetoric, the flowery poetry of our theological discussions, the empowering worship services that embolden us in our steadfastness to remain the same, to not press and be pressed on to the call to which Christ has summoned us. We choose life, not in a sense of life eternal, but life in the real sense of living for ourselves. We choose us over God. So we are left unimpressed, underdeveloped, untouched by the true life giving and life changing living water that is Christ our Lord. We are eloquent in our tongues in speaking the language of church, and we are well versed in our apologetic for our lack of growth and service: eternal sanctification that allows us to excuse ourselves and a stigma in which we would never want to even appear like we are doing works. So we fail to challenge ourselves, we fail to be challenged. We fail to challenge our community and we fail to be challenged. We fail to aspire to the call of Christ and fail to inspire those around us. We fail to recognize that Christ threw down the gauntlet when He spoke that whoever wished to follow him must lose his life, take up his cross daily, and follow. Our interpretation has made it that we only have to believe that partially, if at all, and that we can always set Jesus down like a book or a video game and move on to our more important things like work and leisure and paying taxes. We have long ago decided that we are our own gods, that we choose to worship our own desires more than to worship God, and that the best way to do that is to never be challenged, to not rock the boat, and to maintain the status quo, living in the shadows, failing to see the brightness of the Son behind us, in front of us, all around us. Forget being challenged. We love our own god-substitute, our egg beater godhood, if you will. It is so much easier, isn't it?

The Portland Trailblazers are doing well these days.
So are the Tar Heels.

out of the blue

This morning I found out that today was the revised planned date for my departure from my current job site. This came as a pretty big surprise to me, delivered to me by the tool superintendent without a hint of apology. Citing the slow down of tool installation for the next month, he told me that I was to finish the setting/checking of four tools that day and that they would call me back in for one more day in two weeks.

I was bummed.

I have enjoyed my current job very much, spending 20 months there getting to know the clients, mastering the ethos of the particular job, and standing out in the face of some daunting tasks (setting $35 million machines is not particularly relaxing). I have heard from many clients that I have done a wonderful job, that they are particularly happy with my work, with my abilities, and the end results of the many, many datums that I set. So now I face going back into the cold, into a job in which I sometimes have ethical dilemmas, in which I participate in the continued growth and expansion or "progress" of us as the American public. It am vexed.

Later in the day I got a page that said that I was to come back tomorrow to finish another tool, that my hasty exit would be delayed a day, and that my full time services would not be needed beginning on Monday. A slight reprieve, sure, but one that is almost moot in meaning. So tomorrow begins my last day, the end of a work era for me, the venture from the world of quiet, clean, solo work to the world of outdoor construction. I am not looking forward to it at all.

Tonight we had a wonderful dinner (a giant Costco chicken pot pie) with B, T, and Tre' J and Tom and Erica. It was a delicious meal and fun to have a houseful of friends/family. Tom and Erica brought over Tom's brand new Nintendo Wii and it was decided that it should be tested. It was pretty fun and funny, and it was a kick to see Shirley playing, having fun, interacting with friends. It was definitely a good time, although I don't think the young boys really understood it or were really all that interested anyway, but it was fun. Shirley beat us all at the bowling game, and we all realized that we stink at Wii golf. Oh well. It was a good night.

Anyhow, I should rest. And look at the want ads.

Ducks: too much....South Florida: way too little

Quite a few years ago, Brand New Heavies put out a song called "Back to Life." In it they repeat the phrase "back to life, back to reality" throughout the song; today is that day, as I sit here at work, functioning on about four and a half hours of sleep. I think that there are still many people on vacation around here, as it is pretty quiet. I am dragging, though, and wishing I was still sleeping.
I am pretty sore from hockey, but loved getting the chance to play again, so it is a good sore.

On good note, I had a very delicious apple this morning. So if anyone says to me today "how do you like them apples?" I will ask if they were referring to the one I ate this morning, and if so, it was pretty stinkin' good.

The Ducks finished their football season well, thrashing South Florida. I have high hopes for next year. Stick around, Jonathan Stewart.

sunshine on my shoulders

I have to say that it has been a busy few weeks. I don't know why it is that I find myself with time to write here and there, but when I find time, it often is not something I really feel inspired to do. Anyhow, as you all know, once in a while I do write, and I hope that you at least find those times interesting.

So we spent our first Christmas season together as a family. I have to say that it was great. I really feel that our kids felt incredibly loved by family and friends as they were flooded with attention and gifts from all over. We had a great Christmas morning, eating with B, T, Jx3...our friends Tom and Erica ate with us, too. We had a lot of fun just hanging out and relaxing. After that we ended up going to Rich and Corina's for a delicious meal and a nice, peaceful afternoon spending time with them. The kids always have fun going to their house, playing with different toys, the dogs, and enjoying Rich and Corina's hospitality. After that (and a short nap for the boys) we made the seven hour flight out to Magna (actually a 25 minute drive, for those who don't live here) to spend time with our friends Fred and Leanne (the boys' Sunday School teacher) and Jill and Josiah. We had some delicious salmon in our wonderful dinner, and then relaxed for the rest of the evening. Josiah had gotten a drum set for Christmas, so the kids each took turns "jamming" on those for a little bit. I think they all have better rhythm than I do. I'm not kidding.

On Christmas Eve, the boys took part in their first Christmas Eve service, going up front and "singing" "Away in a Manger." It was hilarious to see Juan and Andres up there, not singing the song they had been practicing every night for three weeks. I'm sure they had wet diapers after that. They both looked like they were peeing in their pants as they stood up there in front of the 35 people who braved the snowy evening to enjoy a very nice service. Though neither Juan nor Andres really sang they both truly believe that they did sing while they were up there. It was very cute.

This past weekend (New Year's, etc.) was a little more mellow, although still pretty busy. Shirley has actually been the busiest of us all, going out on little day trips of fun with me, then with Rickie, and spending her usual 15 hours a day holding her cousins Jason and Jessica. Then we all went out to see the the zoo lights the other night, which was really quite fun. I had a blast watching the kids having so much fun looking at lights and the few animals that decided that night is a better time to be on the prowl. We got to see the snow leopard and the plain old regular leopard strutting their stuff. Kind of cool. I liked when one guy explained to his kid that the leopard was a cheetah...

I am not excited to go back to work. It has been a great couple of weeks of less work and much more time with the family. I am starting to really feel like a dad now, which is kind of weird. I guess I never really thought of it as perhaps not happening for this long, and I think that much of it is part of the reciprocated feelings from the kids, but it has been nice. I feel like I am not just the scary guy they call Papi who makes them do things they don't want to do (eat their food, go to sleep, put away their toys, etc.), but that now I am one they love and who loves them, who gives them comfort, one with whom they feel safe, who they love to rough house with, who makes good breakfasts for them and packs all three on shoulders to carry up stairs...I have become Daddy (even in name, as the three of them rarely call me Papi anymore), and I love it.

I forgot to mention that my niece Amanda was able to stop over for a night on her way back to Alaska. It was great to visit with her for an evening and I was especially happy that she got to meet the kids, albeit briefly. Juan was asking about her the next day (I took her to the airport very early), having enjoyed the time spent with her reading books to them. I live so far away from my family, so it is very nice when any one of them can meet the kids and spend time with them, getting to know them, and discovering for themselves some of the things that we we find so endearing that we share somewhat sporadically (because, believe me, there is no way we could ever share them all here) in our blogs.

I did get my banjo. Josiah and I went out about two weeks ago and picked up a good beginner banjo for me to make play. I was even able to break it out during worship this past Sunday, playing Joy to the World. I am really pleased with the instrument and have had quite a fun time learning little bits of how to play it. I am not really that good at all yet, but hopefully I will get there.

My buddy Josh is crazy. He had us playing hockey on back to back days yesterday and today. It was definitely good to get out and get some exercise in (especially with Cancun looming in the future), but my legs are dead. I have about 5 or 6 different places that are swollen from getting hit with sticks. Funny thing is that if we had a chance to play tomorrow...I would most likely be in. When I play I remember how much I just love playing, how much I enjoy getting hit and hitting back, running myself out of breath...I just don't think my legs enjoy it. We'll see what we play this weekend...

Anyhow, happy new year and all that. 2008. I am tired.
These are things I would like to do:

****three more tattoos
****find a 1982 Datsun B210
****live in a sixplex by the end of the year
****live in such a way to honor Christ and to be obedient to His call
****lose about 20 pounds
****record 20 more songs
****finish 50% of the books I start
****pare down my possessions
****love people like I should
****run in the SLC 5K at marathon time
****go to a Flyers game
****actually make some t-shirts
****film a short
****start a neighborhood breakfast
****stop eating crappy fast food (I'm not talking about you, chick-fil-a', calm down)
****get out with Janine at least once a month
****spend a day with Shirley (Daddy/Daughter Date) at least once a month
****write on here more...


I should go to sleep. I have to work tomorrow.

I should mention that I have the kids all singing John Denver's "Sunshine On My Shoulder" now. They mention Sonny Bono and Cher, sing John Denver songs, chant "power to the people", and love it when all our friends are together sharing meals...I think they are little hippies. They also love the Beatles and often sing "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle." They are hippies. And I think that's great.

Happy new year.