lemonade or something

People often ask us, since we knew that we would be adopting three kids, "are you ready?" Usually this is said with a smile, like there is still some punchline to a joke that we have yet to be let in on. I understand the question, to some degree, especially when there is not a familiarity between involved communicating parties, but I have to confess that it gets very tiresome to work up my smile and to answer the question again: Are you ready?

Heck no, I am not ready. I don't even know what that means. I don't know what the kids will be like. I don't know their eating habits. I don't know their tempermants. I don't know if our boys will fight over a blue shirt or a red shirt or if Shirley will hate Chick Fil-a' (while I enjoy it) or if they are afraid of flying or cats or hamburgers. I am not ready. . .

. . .where did that smile go?

I guess it is just one of those things that people feel compelled to ask, perhaps out of a quiet unspoken concern for crazy Scott and Janine who really don't know what they are in for. I guess it is small talk, a way to pass moments when the silence is uncomfortable and no one really knows what to say. I guess it is curiosity, a simple way of not really saying "do you have any clue of what you are doing?" Maybe I am cynical in all this, but I guess this is my way of venting, voicing my answer to such a question. In case it was missed, here it is again:

Are you ready for this?

No.

But this is what we are doing. This is the direction that we have been directed, by our faith, by our God, much in the same way that we traveled from Pennsylvania to Midvale, UT with no jobs, no prospects, and little idea of what was going to happen. So what was one of the first things we did? We bought a house. With no jobs and no prospects. I think I heard the questions then, too: Are you ready for this?

No.

So I don't want to sound like a jerk or a pretentious jerk or a big jerk, but my answer is "no." I am not ready for this. But for some reason God seems to think that we are ready for this. Does this mean that I have unrealistic expectations or false pretenses or that I have no clue? Yeah, I believe it does. How can I not? I would have to have no imagination whatsoever to not build up something in my mind that is going to leave me with a failed dream, a disappointment, a built up then broken down idea that for some strange reason crossed my mind when I dreamed of our kids. So I am not ready. I am far from ready, but I am pretty sure that as we go we will have the strong support that we have had up to this point, we will have our faith that has brought us this far, we will have our friends and families who are as committed to this as we are. I am not ready, but in a very real way we are ready.

Being "ready" connotes anticipation, and the reality is that we have no idea what to anticipate. But just as we have made it this far, we will again be strengthened to face all that we are not ready for, thanks in no small part to those whom God has placed in our lives. When I think of being ready, of anticipating, my mind is left fuzzy, blank, like a dream sequence on a television show, but I know that I have been being prepared for this my whole life, so while I am not "ready," I am prepared by something that is much greater than anything we know, anything that we can plan for, anything we can imagine.

Am I ready? No. And Yes.